My Child, ahead of you lies destruction….
It’s my fault—you lacked parental instruction
Too focused on me! I fear it’s too late you see.
But unless you let God change your heart
your path in life will be rocky and dark.
For there is no “restart”, no change in part.
And if I could, I would give all that I possess
to undo this evil unchristian mess!
For what you refuse to see
is the pain to our family.
Hear my cry, Oh Lord!
For You know he cannot afford
the price, the cost.
Unless he accepts your Greatest Gift
he will surely be lost.
Give him a heart to understand,
please hold his hand,
and lead him to your promised land
Oh God, my final plea!
I cannot bear the stress!
Remove this cruel cross,
unbreak my tortured heart,
this ever constant duress
is tearing me apart…
In the wake of the shooting, I just wanted to share my own anguish over my son’s similar problem. My greatest fear is that he will do the same as Adam someday. I have called the police multiple times, begging their help; put him in psychiatric lockdown that only made him worse; taken him to a well-respected psychiatrist who fired him as his patient; begged school counselors and on-site police officer for help; taken him to counselors. And what is wrong with him? We don’t know, he has had multiple diagnosis, none of which really fit, been on multiple meds that he refuses to take without force. He has seen the police’s hands tied due to red tape or laws or his age, now they mean nothing to him as he can get away with anything… in his mind anyway. He can demolish my house, steal my stuff, and the police can do nothing because he is a “resident on the premises”. He can say that he wont go to school, and I call in an unauthorized absence. What do I get for that? A letter every now and then stating that his missed days are too high. I cannot physically force him and no punishment or grounding or removal of possessions make any difference. Every day I go home to a living hell. The only peace is to give him anything he wants. And what he wants is everything NOW, legal or illegal or get ready for the beast to come out. He even stole my pain medications after an enormous reconstruction I had post cancer. He has overdosed, and spent 18 hours unconscious, my husband and I watching him for signs of respiratory problems. And what does my son say? He says that his mood is up and down all the time, that he needs something to get him calm (ie marijuana or the like, my pain meds even better), that he is unable to love anyone.
My husband is firm and consistent with his message: no skipping school, no D/F’s, no drugs, no violence, no foul language, church isn’t an option. But when he violates these (daily) no punishment affects him. Perhaps it is a spiritual problem, my husband’s theory. I don’t know. All I know is that I am afraid every second I am here. I am exhausted and numb at this point. I am counting the days until he is 18. Shame on me for wanting to be free.
God help the community when he is really unleashed on them. There are many parents silently fighting this same battle all over America. Feel pity for their circumstances. No I don’t have a gun, and never will.