11 Comments

Life on the (Bi) Polar Express

Re-blogged for Rarasaur’s PromptForThePromptless: Alter Ego

I don’t think anyone can understand what it is to feel bipolar unless, well, you are bipolar.  So I have attempted to describe what each day is like using childhood metaphors in the poem below.  Bipolar disorder is like a pendulum that swings too fast.  One side of my personality, the engine, is sad and slow like Eeyore the donkey, and the other side of my personality is fast and frenzied like the crazy trains in the Thomas the Train Series.

Having suffered this affliction since the age of 12, I can truly say that I have had my highest highs and my lowest lows from these mood extremes, and it has shaped many of my actions.  And while wanting to suck in carbon monoxide is a constant threat to my happiness, health and well-being, I admit that the hypomanic “the world is my oyster” state has allowed me to creatively express myself in ways that I don’t believe are open to me legally! In this mood I am wacky, quirky, funny; I will take any dare; I am the life of the party.  I have humorously stated that I AM MY OWN HIGH, although that is a transient state that leaves the resultant low almost unbearable.

I tolerated myself until last year, when I began to Rapidly Cycle throughout the day, leaving me loopy, confused and agitated.  With great reluctance I shuffled to a psychiatrist and wept for an hour over my lack of mood control.  His kindness, tissues and humor restored me and the medication, after a period of adjustment, is beneficial….although I now and then yearn to remove this pharmaceutical shackle and Just Go A Little Wild.  I have read that bipolar disorder and artistic talents are linked, as in the case of Lord Byron, and if true, at least there is a rainbow in the sea of disorder that plagues my life.

“Life on the (Bi) Polar Express”

I belong to an elite club, the Bipolar Express.

      Engine, sad like Eeyore, caboose fast and loose.

I puff forward and backward, East or West.

Barreling, barely on track, or crashing and failed.

Life is either an uphill battle or a downward slant.

On the fast track or derailed,

“ I think I can, I think I cant”

Quiet depression, manic rave and rant

Am I the hangman or the noose?

I try to juggle the teeter-totter stress.

Life is dull and dark or rapid delight;

internally my emotions  often a mess.

A shade in a world of black and white

or a shining orb floating in sparkling light.

Unbalanced, I feel MORE or LESS.

Each day is a mystery I must confess;

A black cloud or rainbow delight is anyone’s guess.

My emotional temperature, my rapid cycling unrest

does not make me feel God-blessed.

But there is a rainbow in my cloud of duress;

Being bipolar is an artistic caress.

Humor, poetry and music, brightly dressed;

These creative expressions allow emotion some rest.

Pictures:

dribble.com

keith-88.deviantart.com

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11 comments on “Life on the (Bi) Polar Express

  1. […] Repressed Expressions – Life on the(Bi)Polar Express […]

  2. I’ve only ever known bipolar from the outside as one of the girls I grew up with was diagnosed bipolar. It’s refreshing and heartbreaking to see it from a different perspective.

    • There are many degrees of bipolar. There are loads of people who are and just keep going to the doctor time and again depressed. They simply don’t tell their docs that they have had any excitable episodes. For some, the non-depressed side is simply irritability and sleeplessness. Hardly euphoric. For others, they are like Robert Downey Jr on steroids. (He is bipolar as well). Tough condition, even tougher to live with it.

  3. […] Repressed Expressions – Life on the(Bi)Polar Express […]

  4. […] Repressed Expressions – Life on the(Bi)Polar Express […]

  5. […] Self / TheMatticusKingdom – When I was Young / Julie Chicklitasaurus – Alter Ego / Repressed Expressions – Life on the(Bi)Polar Express / AP Robert’s Stories – Mirrors / Hyperlocal Hero – #79 / This Typing Makes Me […]

  6. Hi, dear sister. I just jumped over here from BJ’s blog. I read your response to his article on atheism, and it broke my heart. Do remember that we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, etc. The comment came from our enemy, the one with the comment was merely his mouthpiece. That much is obvious – the target was carefully chosen to inflict the greatest amount of pain. Don’t let the enemy take you out!

    Love in Christ,
    Tami
    \o/

    • Thank you for that. I did wrong to respond as I did to that man though. Shouldn’t have taken it personally. His low opinion of Christians is now even lower and I feel bad about it. I have totally forgiven him, not that he would care about that if I sent it. Lesson learned.

      • It was someone like that…only my person was a fellow believer…that freaked me out in 2009. I quit writing a couple of weeks afterward, and didn’t resume until March of this year. I handled him okay, but didn’t handle it very well personally. I took it to heart. I’m glad you didn’t.

        Thanks for responding. I like your blog!

        Tami
        \o/
        Praise Jesus!

        • Oh I am so sorry to hear that! Discouragement stops progress, but I am so glad that you revived your interest. I just read in Romans to count it a blessing when you are persecuted. So I am rejoicing…. 🙂 Just FYI, my blog is eclectic, so while I do some Christian, I also do a lot of other stuff.

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