I have struggled with full-blown OCD for the last few years. Earlier in my life I had mild symptoms, but starting a medication for depression that also treats OCD and helps with fibromyalgia was a great benefit. I didn’t have problems until I stopped it. One month later I was in terrible pain. I thought it was related to stopped the medication. But I didn’t want to re-start it.
Some time later I began with obsessive thoughts and compulsions. I was in denial that OCD was re-starting. I thought it was related to all the health problems that were dumped on me in a year of hell.
For the last four years I have struggled, losing the battle. Recently, due to stress I think, it became intolerable. I went to my psychiatrist for my normal check up and just sobbed and sobbed. I couldn’t tell him what was going on other than I couldn’t handle it any more. He was not happy, but did re-start the OCD medication with great reluctance. Apparently I can go manic with it. But heck, I am so depressed I would like a little euphoria. He told me that one cannot have bipolar and OCD without a major traumatic experience earlier in life. He questioned me closely but I shut down. So I have to see a therapist for Cognitive training and to try to discuss my issue.
I have a trauma. I never speak about it to anyone. It isn’t sexual abuse, although I have had 6 men try. I always escaped. And I had a stalker in college. They are water over the bridge and I don’t care about it at all. This is something much deeper. I don’t think I will be able to talk about it with a psychologist either. Probably a waste of money to try.
Three days after starting the OCD med I was completely free. I can’t even describe the relief. I am so grateful that there is something to help me. For the first time in four years I feel normal. I hope it lasts, for I am at the end of my rope. I generally try to see the funny and happy in life, but all I see are ashes. For you who are going through the same or similar, I so understand the pain of a mind that clings to unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Thank you for reading. Sorry my posts have been a little bleak. The medication has helped my find the silver lining. There is always a silver lining if one searches for it.