Obsessive Compulsion

I have struggled with full-blown OCD for the last few years.  Earlier in my life I had mild symptoms, but starting a medication for depression that also treats OCD and helps with fibromyalgia was a great benefit. I didn’t have problems until I stopped it.  One month later I was in terrible pain.  I thought it was related to stopped the medication.  But I didn’t want to re-start it.

Some time later I began with obsessive thoughts and compulsions.  I was in denial that OCD was re-starting.  I thought it was related to all the health problems that were dumped on me in a year of hell.

For the last four years I have struggled, losing the battle.  Recently, due to stress I think, it became intolerable.  I went to my psychiatrist for my normal check up and just sobbed and sobbed.  I couldn’t tell him what was going on other than I couldn’t handle it any more.  He was not happy, but did re-start the OCD medication with great reluctance.  Apparently I can go manic with it.  But heck, I am so depressed I would like a little euphoria.  He told me that one cannot have bipolar and OCD without a major traumatic experience earlier in life.  He questioned me closely but I shut down.  So I have to see a therapist for Cognitive training and to try to discuss my issue.

I have a trauma.  I never speak about it to anyone.  It isn’t sexual abuse, although I have had 6 men try.  I always escaped.  And I had a stalker in college.  They are water over the bridge and I don’t care about it at all.  This is something much deeper.  I don’t think I will be able to talk about it with a psychologist either.  Probably a waste of money to try.

Three days after starting the OCD med I was completely free.  I can’t even describe the  relief.  I am so grateful that there is something to help me.  For the first time in four years I feel normal.  I hope it lasts, for I am at the end of my rope.  I generally try to see the funny and happy in life, but all I see are ashes.  For you who are going through the same or similar, I so understand the pain of a mind that clings to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Thank you for reading.  Sorry my posts have been a little bleak.  The medication has helped my find the silver lining.  There is always a silver lining if one searches for it.


10 comments on “Obsessive Compulsion

  1. I hope you continue to get a break from your thoughts.

  2. I hope you can work through this. Even if the answer is medication. Everyone deserves to feel free of burdens/the past/demons.

  3. Without going into detail Marie and I belong to a group to support one of our relatives. We have heard testimonies this week from those with personal OCD issues. I am thankful that your medication seems to be working for you. I hope you continue down a path of healing or OCD management. You have my prayers, and my ear if you ever need it. We are in the body of Christ to love and support each other. God will be with you on every step of this journey. I wish you the best. And may God richly bless you with His grace and healing each day.

    • Thank you Steven! I am so greatful to be rid of it! I am so much calmer now. Thank God for medication that helps control symptoms that were ruining my life and happiness.

  4. There are times Dear Lori when your posts are bleak and at that time you should not be apologising.When your life is filled with times that seem bleak then your friends are happy to cope with it because it keeps you with us and believe me I understand the temptations not to stay.
    You have OCD drugs which seem to be helping and that’s great but should you ever feel like an unburdening would help-speak up because I’m a bit mutt n’ jeff these days. Either than or my attention is wandering.
    Sending you Huge Hugs xxxx

    • I am unburdening in my other poetry blog, but it is very bleak and not for the faint of heart! I will try counseling, but I have little hope of it. I have been thinking of you and hoping that you are coping after your terrible loss. Intense stress does terrible things to ones’ psyche. My son is a nightmare and I just cant take any more of his stealing and drug addiction.
      Huge hugs back, you are such a comfort to me!

  5. I’m so glad you’re feeling better! Can you share the name of the medication that’s helping you?

  6. Yay! So thankful you’re feeling better.

    • Meeee Toooo! Belive me I felt like I was in prison in my head. Now I am Freeeeeee! Thank you Jesus! Thank you meds! I just want to go around hugging people! 🙂

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