I struggled with posting this.  But sobbing and sobbing isn’t helpful.  I was robbed.  Again.  Last time it was an unknown “friend” of my son, who has been on drugs for the last 2 years.  I think Garin knows who.  I estimated that I lost 7000 in jewelry the first time.  So we got a safe, but with all our stuff, we outgrew it and got a larger safe that we installed in our tornado room, which is a double locked steel door.

My son knows how to pick locks.  He recently stole medications that were very dangerous in the wrong hands.  He wanted to dull the pain of losing his best friend and girlfriend in the same week.  Understandable, but using drugs to cope is a set up for a miserable life.  He has multiple times robbed us.  And the police couldn’t care less.  The first time he stole my pain medications following my reconstruction surgery.  Who would do that to someone?  I still can’t believe the cold cruelty.

My husband had to go into the tornado room to drop off some items and found the safe open.  Some time before the back door, a double locked steel door, was found open.  We got a state of the art monitoring system after that with a video camera that Brent can monitor remotely.

We inventoried the safe and discovered that all my proof coins were gone, something my parents had given me every year since the early 70’s, plus some silver coins.  We didn’t have an inventory list of what was in there, but I couldn’t think of anything else.  I was furious with Brent because he left the combination on the safe, thinking no one could get in the door and it was a difficult combination.  Idiot.

A few days ago I woke up in a panic.  I realized that the bins where I kept my sensitive documentation was gone.  And, worse of all, an item that my dad entrusted to me that had been in the family for 300 years was gone.

I went berserk

I ran up to the bedroom and began screaming and sobbing.  I forced Brent to get up and we went to Garin’s room.  Somehow he was involved, either he did it or knew who did.  How else would they have known about the safe?

I went postal on him.  We had a physical altercation that left lamps, dishes, you name it broken.  I was completely out of control.  But he hit my threshold.  After 2 years of hell I couldn’t take it anymore.  How can someone do this to their mom who has been through the hell of cancer?  I am heartbroken.  I can’t talk or even look at him.  I just wish he was gone and out of my life.

Terrible words for a parent to say.

I spent all day trying to retrieve and protect my information, locking my credit reports down.  I made at least 20 calls all over trying to get my son into a program.  The one I wanted was 35000, which I can not afford.  My parents are wealthy but can’t, or wont, loan me the money.  And I can’t get a loan because I can’t afford the payments.  Wow, a load of can’t in this paragraph…..

I am screwed.

I will keep searching. He needs help and the only answer is treatment.  But we did treatment before and it introduced him to the joy of pills. I am bitter over that!

I feel like my life is in shambles.  I just lost my partner at work and most of her projects were dumped on me.  We worked perfectly together.  I was given a partner due to the volume of my job.  Now I am alone.  And the hospital is unhappy about my “memory patch”, now requiring a letter that I am competent.  What a crock.  My projects are extremely detailed and involved.  I have made all the arrangements for camp, a very time-consuming and organization heavy effort.

When it rains, it pours.

To those who read this, thanks for listening.  Every time I think of it I just sob.  My other blog is now chock full of dark poetry.  I wrote a very dark poem on rage…too dark for this blog, but if you like powerful poems that rattle your bones go check it out.   A little therapy.


29 comments on “Rage

  1. This is not a post to “Like.” And I can’t think of any other comment right now, except to say I am sorry that this has happened to you.

    • Yes, it is a bitter diatribe that poured out of me and I am still trying to come to terms with it. I have a poem on my other blog about it either out or coming out soon which is powerful in a very few words. It did help to write it out but not sure if people wanted to read this disturbing story.

  2. My prayers are with you. My “like” is a “support” to you, not “liking” what happened.

  3. I agree this is not a post to “Like”. I am truly sorry for the trials you are facing in your family now. I can’t even imagine such. I will pray that God will move in and take charge and that you will turn this over to Him. This sounds like one of those situations only He can handle. I’m so sorry you are suffering such rage.

    • It is one of those situations that I just have to let go and move on and hope that God has a plan for my grief and for my son.

      • He does. And He will show you. This sounds like one of those painful valleys in which God allows so He can teach us and grow us. I will be praying for you. You are so special. What an awesome testimony you have. You are a huge encouragement to me personally.

  4. Do hang in there. I don’t “Like” what happened to you, but the “Like” is a symbol of moral support. Also enclosed here with this comment is prayer that a path through change will arise for you and yours to permanently establish a new life for your son without addictions or dependencies.

    • Yes, thank you for your support! I just had to have a conversation yesterday about smoking, which we found he was doing in his bedroom. He is cying out for something to relieve his pain, but wont let anyone help him. I think life will continue to be difficult until he wises up or God smacks him around a bit.

  5. This is one of the most difficult things a parent can go through. I hope you find the strength to do what is right and best for everyone involved. I hope you can find a way to get your son some help. My heart goes out to you. Hugs

  6. I’m devastated Lori to think of the pain you must be going through. Losing valuable items is bad enough but to lose family things as well…awful. I’m so sorry.
    You may think wishing him out of your life s a terrible thing for a parent to say. I have to say been there, done that and it’s not terrible at all. We choose our friends according to how they behave towards us, why not family if they choose to ‘cross the line’. We don’t talk about our eldest daughter and haven’t seen her in a good six years….and I mean good. She is evil incarnate and a real user and eventually we had to cry ENOUGH. She didn’t try to attend her Mum’s funeral or see her during the illness and ‘Frankly my Dear, I don’t give a damn’ in fact I’m delighted. She chose her path and we chose ours.
    I hope you manage to recover whatever items are most important to you. I hope you make the police investigate and if it was indeed your son I hope they come down on him like a ton of bricks. He needs to see there are consequences to his actions.
    Sending you Massive Hugs xxxx

    • Oh David I am so sorry and I am so close to being there. When I am at my end, I tell him he will be out of the house at 18. And I may have to do that to teach him a hard lesson. My dad has been estranged from his family since he was 24 due to having all his childhood stuff stolen by his dad and brother because they thought he wasn’t coming back from Vietnam. Family estrangement destroys lives, creates bitterness and stress and severs a link between the past and the future. Forgiveness is so hard, and I have a “weak link” with being a victim, but I will continue to forgive for as long as God gives me the ability. While I know this isn’t your “bent” it is my only comfort. Huge hugs to you.

  7. 😥 Can only send you love because there is nothing I can say will make this any easier x

    • Thank you so much. Yes, there is nothing other then tears. And I have shed my lot. I hesitated writing this post, but it was so helpful just to get it all out. Thank you for reading and for the lovely comment.

  8. I don’t “like” this at all. I went through something similar with my son, but nowhere near as bad. If you want to talk about it, email me privately. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s a tragedy that few people suffer. They are fortunate. To raise a child and be repaid with evil is almost worse than losing him. I used to feel horrible during those awful times, when I sometimes wished the next phone call would not be from the latest program he had escaped from, but “the call” that every parent dreads…. Thank God we lived through those days, with a ton of hard work and a lot of borrowed money that I am still paying for 12 years later…but without that, he would now have been in jail or dead…my heart really bleeds for you in your pain. Love, Laura

    • I need to get a loan. He knows that one more screw up and I will and he will go away for a long time. He did get off marijuana, but then had classic withdrawl, which I didn’t know could happen until I read up on it. He didn’t sleep for a week and was a mess. I knew he stopped, but like everyone else, didn’t think marijuana could cause withdrawl. It does in a certain percentage of persons. Now I am dealing with smoking, which is just as bad as he has lung damage from an infection. I just don’t understand why he feels the need to self medicate, unless he is doing it for anxiety control. I need to re-visit psychiatry, but he wont take meds that don’t provide an immediate effect. I would rather have a physically ill child then a mentally ill child. And I do think he is mentally ill…..

      • One of the biggest hurdles on the journey with my son was to convince the “behavioral medicine” people that he could not get off substances until his mental illness was under control with appropriate meds. Once that happened, things went a lot smoother. But it ended up happening in his long term facility because they had a good shrink and an overall good program.

  9. […] do for fellow blogger Gimpet of RePrEsSeD ExPrEsSiOnS. Please read about her stressful situation here, and then please, please pray for her, her son, and their family as they deal with this difficult […]

  10. So so sorry for what you’ve been thru. Keeping you in my prayers.

  11. My heart is hurting for you right now!!! I will keep you all in my prayers. I wish I could do something more for you. Just know I’m here if you need to talk…shoot me an email if you ever need a listening ear!! Xoxo

    • I am just having to let it go, but the worst part of it is that what was taken was all from my parents. And how can I break that to them? My dad was wiped out when he was in Vietnam by his family, and he had never gotten over it. This would be a devastating shock for them. That is what makes me feel the worst about it.

  12. Will be praying for you and your family as you go through the trenches!

  13. My prayers are with you and I want you to know that you can trust GOD to see you through this difficult time because he said that he won’t put no more on us than we could bear and that when it get to be to much he would make a way of escape for us. GOD loves you and want leave you nor forsake you. He’s gone to help you and your family through this and bring your son out of that addiction that is raging his life at this time. Just keep the faith and trust GOD, because all things work together for the good to them that love him.

    • I got my stuff back. Answer to prayer, for my parents sake, as it was all stuff they had given to me and they were heartbroken over it. My identity is still compromised, but I can deal with that. Yes, one day at a time is manageable as long as I don’t look too far ahead.

  14. Thank God you got your stuff back. That’s a big step, because SOMEBODY had to admit to themselves that they had done it, and it was wrong, and to make reparations. That’s a good beginning. Now what?

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