My Mothers’ Prophesy Was True: I Was Late To My Own Wedding

I’ve never transitioned quickly between activities.

My family’s mantra, “Lori, why are you ALWAYS last?”

My mom predicted that I would be late to my own wedding.  And she was right.

Brent and I decided to rent a Lincoln Town Car for our wedding, as I had a large dress and didn’t want my dress crumpled.  And I wanted nice pictures in a swanky car that we didn’t own.

Don’t ask why, I am a woman.

We participated in the time-honored ritual of bachelor/ette parties the night before the wedding.  He did his thing with his groomsmen and I did my thing with my bridesmaids.  Since I was caught red-handed, I will shamefacedly and with much embarrassment admit to the following:  I got a little liquored up and mooned a guy.


Now that you are all open mouthed with your coffee dripping gently on your keyboard, let me say that I don’t do alcohol well.  So I don’t drink more then 1/2-1 drink at a time.  But it was my bachelorette party, and I got carried away.  I get very happy, impulsive and funny on the few times I have had more then one drink.  Needless to say, I must have been in outer space.  I am normally extremely modest, and to this day I cringe when I think of this.

“Be sure your sin will find you out” is a great Biblical proverb.

Stupid dares.  One of my weaknesses.

Thank the Lord for HIs forbearance, and for total darkness as I don’t believe the person even knew what I was doing.  And I obviously didnt know what I was doing. I don’t even remember it.   But God punished me thoroughly, as you will see!  And no, I will never do such a rude and unthinkable action again! So heed the lesson I learned, young padawans’!

The day of the wedding was as crazy as any.  Hair, makeup, getting into The Dress.  And, as usual, I was late.  So I sent everyone else on ahead of me while I finished up.  I went to look for the keys for the Town Car….and they were nowhere to be found.   I searched frantically in my voluminous white dress.  Went through all my dirty clothes, my purse, ran out and looked for the keys near where I usually parked my Saturn.  My Saturn was loaned out.  After all, I had a Lincoln Town Car.  Had being the operative word.  Now I had a Big Nothing.


I was 20 minutes from everyone including the ceremony.  I had no memory of my stupid dare.  No one told me at the time what I did the night before.

I called my dad,  who said, “Well, what am I going to do?  I will be late if I come pick you up.”

Did I hear correctly?

Um, dad, IT’S MY WEDDING!  It won’t start without me!  I assure you!

Not having cellphones (this was 1993) was a PIA.  I couldn’t call Brent.  All I could do was send my dad to talk to Brent at the chapel.   Brent should have come to retrieve me or asked someone to get me.  But I was stubbornly determined to find the bleeping keys.  After about 45 minutes, I was overruled and a good friend was dispatched (in his rented Tempo) to pick me up.  I was a basket case.

Then it hit me.

This was an OMEN.

My life flashed before my eyes.  Pure panic.  I told Rich to turn around and take me to the airport.   I was moving back to Pennsylvania NOW.  No marriage, I didn’t even want to get my car.  I was hysterical.  Poor Rich.  He was very calm and talked to me kindly, telling me that I was temporarily insane and would be better once I got to  the chapel.  I was in utter misery.  Where were those keys?  And why, oh why, was it ALWAYS me?

All of the sudden we stopped.  The roads were closed for a parade in the town where the chapel was located.    Now I was frantic the other way.  I put the window down and screeched at the policeman.

“Open the road, I’m getting married!”

He looked at my insane bridezilla face, then my dress, then Rich’s long face.  And he nodded at me.

“No problem, I will escort you.”

I was escorted by police sirens to the chapel.  I got out, hugged the man, and picked up my huge dress and ran, flat-out ran, for the chapel.  The photographer was kind enough to run with me, taking pictures for posterity sake.  I look like a crazed idiot running in heels and a dress, holding onto my veil with one hand and my flowers with the other.

I was an hour and a half late.

And no, you don’t get to see the pictures of my sprinting insanity.

We had hired some strings from the Kansas City Orchestra to do the wedding music (classy all the way was our theme), and the poor men did their songs over and over and over.  Apparently the guests got entertaining updates whenever Brent was contacted.  Everyone was smiling, and they clapped when I made my entrance.  Not very traditional, but I think they were wondering if this wedding was actually going to happen.

Lori pre marriage 029

Me and my Big Dress

We got married.  I almost lit my veil on fire twice, but otherwise it was a lovely service.  And a lovely reception at a manor house turned upscale restaurant/wedding reception called Rembrandt’s.

The next day the bar called.  They found keys–and my wallet– on the ground in their parking lot.  Unknown to me, my mooning episode caused them to fall out.  Thank God I didnt know that my wallet was also part of the loot or I would have been married in the loony bin for sure!  After the conversation, I turned to my friends, who were there with me at the present opening.

“How did my keys AND my wallet fall out?  Did I fall down?”

Silent laughter.  All of them, bent over.  I waited, puzzled, but with dawning horror that SOMETHING had happened.  A snort here and there.  Then my BF told me.

I turned to stone with horror.  Then out popped a giggle.  Next I was rolling on the floor right with them with silent yet hysterical laughter.

 I had to tell my new husband about it.  He smiled tightly and was just happy to get them back.  Poor Brent.  Another omen.

But, Happy Rainbow, we drove that car all weekend!  And no one was able to decorate it with any “Just Married” sign to embarrass us!


17 comments on “My Mothers’ Prophesy Was True: I Was Late To My Own Wedding

  1. This is the craziest “I almost screwed up my wedding” story I have EVER HEARD! Proving once again the degree of zaniness you have achieved in your life. I laughed all the way through it. It should be a movie.You could easily be Lucile Ball stuffing chocolates in her mouth off a conveyer belt. Can’t wait for the next story! Reading this story was fun (you knew I couldn’t finish without saying that. It will probably be my standard closing to my comments for you until one of us gets tired of hearing it. Great post. Thanks for sharing. Now I’m going to go smoke a cigarette. :0)

    • I can do nothing with grace or style. Actually, Lucy Ricardo’s antics is a great analogy to my life. (I have some work stories that would make you howl). Brent and I sometimes act like it too!
      I should have posted the terrible hairdo, but I just didn’t have the heart! The perfect finish to an imperfect day. While I did NOT have a sense of humor on my wedding day, this story ages like wine, and I really like sharing it to give people a laugh over it! A good silver lining!

      • It was so much fun to read. I wanted to ask you about skyping because I have to see if you’re as funny face-to-face as you are on your blog. On the other hand, I agonize with you reading some of your candid stories about your periodic health and personal issues. I am so grateful that you share those. I can relate. I think I told you we have a family member with bipolar disorder, so I can relate to those struggles and empathize. I want to offer to invite you to share anything with me in confidence if you feel comfortable doing that, even the worst stuff. I can’t understand what you go through, and I can’t say I know how you feel. But I can listen (or in our case read) and encourage and support, and, most importantly, pray for you and your family. Thank you again for sharing. God bless.

  2. You’ve given me so much to live up to Lori. Not in terms of a wedding, and certainly not mooning someone but my mother’s prediction that I’d be late for my own funeral. I might not manage the comedy routine or zaniness that you did but I’ll certainly give it a go.
    Hmmm, maybe I can start out being transported on the roof of a town car and slipping off on the way?
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

    • HAHAHA….Im sure I will have a funeral story. Sadly, it will not be put into my blog for posterity, even it I put it in my will….but you certainly can at least put it in your will that you want to be driven at 10 KPH, and stop every 1/2 kilometer on the way to the funeral and gravesite. Your last chance to poke fun and aggravate people.. 🙂 You could also put a sign on the back of the hurst that says “Just Dead”. I am thinking of doing just that. My last chance for a laugh…..

  3. I think its great Lori that you can relate this story with so much charm after all those years. Good for you. You have a wedding day like no other.

  4. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! Lori, I love you.

  5. Cuuuuuuute! 🙂 I love zany wedding stories! 🙂

  6. That is hilarious! You better market the movie rights to Spielberg! Any wedding ceremony in THIS day and age, if all that happened again,would have been YouTubed in seconds!!!

    • No way! There are limits to what media hosts my public embarrassments and Youtube is not one of them! At least I didn’t FALL ASLEEP before the wedding 🙂

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