17 Comments

Mr Fluffer

I have been married to a man for twenty years.  And for the first ten of it I called him Mr Fluffer.

Any marriage in this day and age that lasts for 20 years is a feat in an of itself.  But I have little to do with that.  I am married because my Mr Fluffer is a great man among men.

My husband is a Renaissance Man.  The most versatile man I have ever met.  Mensa IQ.  Detailed artist. Designer. Landscaper. Fix-it-man.  Computer Database Architect (self taught) with a Masters in Business (that he doesn’t use, grrr). Poetic writer. Great sense of humor.  Mathematician. Chef.  Athelete.  Computer gamer extraordinaire, grr.  And HE SEWS.  Ok, he used to sew, and can do it if it had to be done.  He can cheerfully go to a football game or a fine arts event.  He can figure out what he doesn’t know and then go do it well.  He was model gorgeous when I married him (sigh, so was I).   And, when I married him, a sweet and gentle personality.

We were two peas in a pod, although I took him for granted.  I karate chopped our short lived relationship and he hung around, determined to Win Me Back.  For Five Years.  Did I say he was determined too?  Yet I still took him for granted.  Even though we were two peas in a pod.  We liked to do the same activities and shared the same tastes (we have decorated three houses and cheerfully survived each one).

I like to make fun of his more artistic side.  For a long time his name was Mr Fluffer.  Dude could fluff anything out to perfection.  We made all the curtains in our first house, Brent sewing them and then fluffing them oh-so-beautifully.  I cant fluff to save my life.  Too much attention to uniformity and detail to make it nice. Of course I told everyone about my fluffy husband and Mr Fluffer sprang to life.  I hurt his manhood and it took years for him to live that down.

Sadly, I kinda ruined the sweet and gentle personality.  I am tough to live with, having bipolar disorder and OCD that I hid from all my friends and relatives.  And when I got married, I freaked out and led him a life of anxiety and disillusionment.  Of all the above, it is the great sense of humor that has kept us together. But at a price.  He no longer has that wide eyed delight in everything beautiful, he is a bit cynical and at times a little bitter over all the crap I have thrown at him.  Unfair.  I took a perfect rose, cut off half its’ buds and sprayed vinegar on it.

Nowadays, he has swung over to man’s man.  I have to bear with “Facebear” the beard and a whole lotta attitude.  He (sob) doesn’t sew or fluff or snuggle or do any of the sweet things I so took for granted.  My weed choked out his flower.

I am so sorry for what I did to you.

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17 comments on “Mr Fluffer

  1. Oh Lori I do so relate to this. My marriage lasted 23 years, losing contact, connection, being pushed away is horrific. That you can admit that is a wonderful thing. That you still sound so committed to your husband is remarkable. I wish you well.

    • Of course, if I had 6 kids I probably would be singing the divorce tune as well……ok, bad joke! But some truth to it…..our kids are the worst fights!
      People forget that the “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”. This is true for the sciences, but also, I believe, for the psyche. Put me down and I will resent you and build walls that cannot be broken. Loss of intimacy from loss of perspective and focus and RESPECT are the “equal and opposite reactions”. What I say to you doesn’t “bounce”. It sinks in, stings….and festers. Why did Lizzie Borden kill her parents? Why do people divorce after years and years? I think these answers lie in our little science truth. Then how does one turn the chemistry back? Gratitude, humility, wisdom, mindfulness and PRACTICE. This is the pep talk I give to myself when I get into That Mood where I just want to chuck it all out of the window. The grass is always greener where one’s shadow falls. But when one walks over the stile, lo and behold the grass is no longer as beguiling. And I know this from Fact and Experience. Probably something I will not, but should, blog about. Yes, I definitely should blog on it. But bravery goes only so far……

      • The six kids were never the issue. My children are remarkable people despite their parents. The issue was always between the parents. A long story. Read my Shackles blog to get an idea. i think still you are very brave, but underneath it all Lori what is it you really want?

        • What a wonderful tribute to your children. I don’t think I was cut out to be a mom. Or, perhaps not cut out to care all day for terribly ill children then have to switch gears and care for my own….badly. Send me the link to your site, I know it’s hidden! I guess I forgot to ask for it, as it isn’t in your last email. Am I conflicted in these posts? Yes, I suppose if one reads both blogs I am! I want peace. Mostly. Total peace is fine for a spell, but leaves apathy in its’ wake. Maybe the better word is harmony, openness, honesty, truthfulness, love. I find that most people hate the truth, if it is not what they want to hear. But you are right, underneath the surface I am conflicted. Daily mood swings make my response to life uncertain. But my CORE will never change. Humor, gratitude, humility, bravery, imagination, hope, faith. These have always been there for me, and I hope will always be the foundation of who I am. You are very perceptive. Someday I really want to know what you do for a living….

      • You continue to amaze and fascinate me. You are becoming one of my favorite blogger buddies to chat with and follow. What a treat it is to read your words about your world. I can laugh with you, but I can also cry with you. And do. And pray for you. I’m wondering what might happen if I were to dump some of my trash on your lawn one day. And I’m still waiting for your TMI you said you’d send me. I check your blog regularly for updates. I look forward to reading new posts. I know I’ll be blessed, whatever it is you write about. God bless.

  2. YOu made me laugh with your last sentence……
    http://summerstommy.com/?s=shackles
    that is the link to shackles.
    The other link I will email to you.

  3. You know what, I was just thinking about my short marriage (10 years, two of them separated, 7 of them bitter) and about the incredible morph that happened after our (first and only) child was born, and my husband lost his play-pal (childless me) and got jealous, and I plunged into a paralyzing depression that never left, and he got distant and cranky, and I got distant, period….it seems like once these things start to spiral it’s (?) impossible to get back to the magic. I hear that now they’re using MDA or MDMA, can’t remember which, basically it’s Ecstasy, in couples therapy, to break through the layers and layers and layers of resentment and mistrust that have accumulated, so that the magic reappears, yay! My ex refused to go to therapy because “it was MY problem and if I needed therapy I should go to therapy.” Which I did, and after having been in therapy for a couple of years I told him I wanted a divorce, THEN he was all too eager to go to therapy with me. But it was too late. That gate had closed.
    I am so sorry about the damage in your marriage, Lori, but remember it takes two. I’m glad you are able to see your side in the damage-making. Can he see his? I hope it’s not “just you” who are the “boogy-man” in the equation.

    • He had a long standing email affair–8 years–although he just calls it a Deep Friendship. It was so deep she wanted him to run away with her. But I am scum. I had the real thing after years of being PO’d over it to the point that I hated him. Can you believe we are still together? The only reason is forgiveness. His. And in spite of his hurt, a daily plead for me not to leave. For 5 months. I didn’t, but I really think he would have been better off because right after that I got cancer. God a-whipped me good. And I deserved it. And all of that brought me back to my faith, which I had left in the dirt for a long long time. Ye–ow. Didn’t think I would say all this. Thought someday maybe I would post it. God performs miracles from the ashes of ruin. If you ever stop in on my other blog, you would say, “WTF? Is this the same person?” That blog is my pensieve for dark stuff that has happened to me in the past. And that includes my marriage. It isn’t in real time, but I know people think it is. It is mainly random stuff that I need to get out. But I had someone, a follower of both, recently tell me I was conflicted. Easy to see when reading both blogs.

      • I have to say that for complications in marriage, I think you win the grand prize. In fact, after reading this, your previous post has me scratching my head. After all this, you still share a bed, even though you have issues regarding the post-coital remarks? I am a dum-dum with relationships, so I cannot fathom how the two of you have survived this apache’ dancing for so long. As for “instant Divine punishment,” I can’t argue with your belief system, but I know for a fact that breast cancer is often linked to anger, repressed or otherwise. Give that one a think, and if you still think that God punished you in this life, at least you got it in this life and not in the next, according to MY belief system/tradition, so supposedly one is supposed to be grateful for not having to work that one off in the World to Come. but Jeekers Crow (as my almost-first-mother-in law used to say), girl, can you give it a break and, uh, give peace a chance?

        • I am trying to. I crave peace. Yes, you are right, we have a weird relationship. On the surface we are amicable, humble, we still value each other as human beings, we share the same religion, we like the same stuff, we shy from conflict, we both have strong senses of humor, we had a long friendship before marriage. Underneath is a lot of stuff that we wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole. One of my favorite bloggers told me I was conflicted. My whole life was conflicted. He is absolutely right. And it is the conflict that I have in every area that is causing me to break apart. But it is the humor that keeps us together. Great glue. I like Jeekers Crow!

  4. You should put your post where your husband can read it. If it were me I would melt.

  5. I dare say that by now Lori, Mr Fluffer nickname or not, your husband knows you care for him.That knowledge alone is usually enough to keep a marriage on track. Had the name been said with malice I think he would have regretted his long chase and been off to pastures new.
    I’m not suggesting you’re the only one at fault but you’re the only one you’ve blamed for his attitude after you belittled him. So, if you haven’t already, a spoken apology and a reminder of how you love him might go a long way to making things riht for the next twenty years or so .
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

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