I was asked to post a video by a fellow blogger about his wife’s journey with mesothelioma at the age of 36. It is a 3 minute video, and an amazing story. I am too cheap to pay for video, so here is the link. She and I share the ability to see the silver linings in the clouds. So important when life is a day-to-day struggle.
I have the following list of conditions. There are so many that I have to mentally go from head to toe when I fill out new paperwork: Bipolar disorder; chronic anxiety; short-term memory loss; OCD; Fibromyalgia; vertigo; TMJ; congenital disorder of my right eardrum and sinus which has led me to— sleep apnea; Rosacea; where am I, oh boob level–breast cancer; GERD; Raynaud’s; UTCD/IA; IBS; varicose veins; plantar fasceitis; a host of chemo-related neuropathies and chronic pain. I think that’s it. Heck, that is more than enough.
Most people usually look at me like I am creepy, infectious or just plain crazy when I try to name them all off. I don’t usually dwell on them much (or I would have, what, 16 or so blogs to keep up with each of them LOL). I hate doctor’s and their offices and their bills (and I am a nurse, nice eh?) I hate the time I spend on each one of these, and I am not the best patient, but, like medications, the more you have the less you can devote your time to them. So when I am told I have another problem my head says, “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Now what are you going to make me do and how much will you charge?
In the end, my gratitude button kicks on and I am grateful for doctors and meds and the ability to have insurance and still be able to get around and keep a job and on and on. But there are days when I am grumpy and ill-tempered and feel like the weight is just too much. And then I wonder why I have to deal with all of this every minute of every day.
Chronic pain will get to you one way or another. One can head off the physical pain by being tough, but the mental fatigue is demoralizing. And that is what has snockered me this summer. For I have been a body without a soul all summer. I stopped all of my medications. And drifted in a dream world of apathy. You see posts, but I didn’t write them. Oh, I did, but much earlier in the spring during a manic episode when I wrote, like, 50 posts and 25 poems, made a poetry site and pre-posted many of them.
But fall is my favorite time of year. And I feel myself coming back from wherever I wandered off to. Thank you friends for inspiring me to “phase back” into life again. We don’t often thank our WP blogging friends enough for how much they mean to us. You are our heart and soul and a warm place we can go to when reality slam-dunks us into the quicksand.