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Committing an Egregious Error, Two

Part Two of WordPress Challenge: Cliffhanger

“Wh–what?” I stupidly asked.  I stared at him, to astonished and confused to say anything else.

“Yes, I will commit you if you don’t behave in here. I am prescribing you an antidepressant and I expect that you will take it without any problems.”  His tone was flat and disinterested, like he didn’t have a care in the world what his words were doing to my panic mode.

With that he got up and left.

My ruined life flashed before my eyes. I was determined to do nothing else but Get Out Of This Place.  Gone was my dream of rest and recovery from the deep depression that was sapping my very life out of me.  Now  I had a Purpose.  Get Out Of This Hell hole.

I knew if I “behaved” that I could sign myself out in three days.  Just three days to keep it together.  But I was bitter.  I shouldn’t be fighting for my independence, I should be resting and recovering and trying to sort out how I got to the point of a well made and specific suicide plan, ready for implementation at a moments’ notice.  Now sorting that problem out would have to wait.  My Freedom was at stake.

Over the next three days I was the model patient.  Well, not really.  I refused to eat their slop.  My mom had to bring in food for me.  I refused to talk to anyone, although I realized that not speaking at all wasn’t going to get me anywhere.  So I spilled the beans to the counselor and told him my tale of woe and how I planned to get out of my misery.

He was appalled.  My plan was TOO detailed.  I had obviously put a lot of thought into it.  When, where, how, all planned, all detailed.  He recommended that I stay and continue therapy on an inpatient setting.

Heck no, I was going completely batty in there and I needed my freedom NOW.

Unknown to me this was my first Mixed Episode of bipolar disorder, which until then was mainly on the depression side.  But no one knew I was bipolar, including myself.  I knew that my changes in mood were bizarre but I thought it was severe stress.  And the stupid psychiatrist had lost all empathy for people and never asked me if I was depressed before.  Never did any bipolar evaluation, even though in the hospital I went from laying in a fetal position to running laps up and down the hallway and laughing at everything.

I did get out ‘Against Medical Advice’.  I did behave and get my freedom.

This period of my life makes me feel very bitter.  They should have seen it.  I should have let them help me.  But all the “what if’s” don’t change my present.  I wish I could say that I learned something from this episode, but all I learned was to hide my moods as much as possible and to detest psychiatry.  For twenty years I lived in quiet, periodic despair, and loud hypomania.

Until cancer slapped me up the side of the head and told me to get up and do something about my condition.  By then I had done some pretty bad stuff, ruined a marriage, been unfaithful, and constantly battled my impulses to do harm to myself or to be wild and funny.

You wonder why I share such a painful story.  It started as a cliffhanger for the weekly challenge, but I have a larger motive than this.  I wish for each and every one of you to examine yourselves.  Don’t give into bitterness and ignore symptoms that I did, living so unhappily for so long.  I can never get those years back.  Think before you act.  I can never get that couple reconciled and I am the cause for their divorce.  A terrible sin in God’s eyes.

I believe that my cancer was a message from God.  You raise your eyebrows.  But I believe in divine messages and I have no reasons for the suddenness of my cancer.  Even the doctors are baffled with how suddenly it appeared as I had checked out fine  a short time before I was diagnosed.  Don’t “make” God go to such extremes with you.  My two best features were my boobs and my hair (LOL) and He took away both of them.   If you have sin in your life, get rid of it and get right NOW while you still can without suffering the severe punishment that Holy Justice can meter out.  Believe me,  I have suffered for the last three years for my sins.  But you don’t have to.  Get right with God now.

Ok, my preaching is over.  Cancer has taught me to appreciate the rainbows, something I never learned while in my bipolar throes.  Blessings do come through raindrops……

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2 comments on “Committing an Egregious Error, Two

  1. Excellent post. It is surprising to me that you were unfaithful and “ruined a marriage.” I am at a loss for words, quite frankly. I am just glad that you recognized what needed to be done. I so wish more would wake up.

    • Its a long sad story as they all are. I was in the process of leaving my marriage but did it all a…backwards. At the time I was living a hedonistic life and not a Christian one. One of my more bitter memories. I despised my husband’s addictive game playing and was sick of being ignored and the maid of the house. It was all about ME. And that is what easily happens when one takes one’s eyes off of Jesus and looks around and places ones’ focus on oneself. I felt used and unwanted and I wanted to get back at him for it so I allowed a very old and dear friend to become what I thought I needed. My husband absolutely refused divorce and said he would fight it to his dying day. He became more attentive for a time and I let it all go. Now and then the old resentment returns and I have to fight it, and with God’s help I will and do.
      We survived it, but not without permanent scars. But I believe God used this to bring me pretty low and realize that I needed His divine intervention. I will die believing that he gave me cancer as a punishment. And that is ok, it woke me up. All things work together for good to those who love the Lord. It is LOVE that I was missing, love in marriage and for God. Lack of love causes the fall of every civilization. Ok, Im getting over-philosophical now….Cheers

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