I am struggling. As I watch my mom calmly accept my dad’s death as a blessing, I am struck with intense anxiety. Everything makes me anxious. Driving especially. The bitter cold always brings fear, but this year the fear has been paralyzing. I have Raynaud’s, a condition where I lose blood flow to my fingers in the cold. Getting stuck outside is not an option if I don’t want severe consequences. Even in a heated car, my fingers turn dead white and numb.
My dad was my Go To Guy. He knew it all. He lived most of it. I could ask him anything and he would have a workable answer. Now I don’t have a Go To Guy. My husband gets mad when I ask him questions so I try not to do that too much. While he wouldn’t leave me stranded in a car, helping me diagnose the weird sound I hear when I break is not in his cup of tea.
Losing that protection, my baby blanket if you will, has upset my world. Now my body shakes for no reason, I cant think straight, I can’t sleep and my heart races when I even think about going somewhere, even to work. I went to the grocery store and had a miserable experience. Too much stimulation for me.
I want to hibernate and not wake up until the anxiety is gone. Yes, I can take medication but I don’t want to start taking it regularly. That road leads to nowhere fast except tolerance and dependence.
I wrote a rather sad poem about the anxiety and failure HERE after I decided not to go try out a choir that I wanted to join. Going by myself to an unfamiliar place right now is just too much for me. Yet I hated myself as I sat in the car and realized that I just couldn’t put it in reverse to go. Someday. Maybe when it is lighter at night and I am not exhausted from fighting this demon.
I am NOT an evening person. By 5 pm I am sick and tired of everything and I want to be left alone. Living all day in pain and fatigue does that to a person. My husband is the exact opposite. He gets energized after 5 pm and goes strong until 2 am or so. We live opposite lives. Makes getting anything done rather hard.
In the end I know that this trial will force me to be more resilient, to rely on myself more now that dad is gone. But, oh, how I would give anything to have him back again! I miss you so much dad…..