Anxious Moments

I am struggling.  As I watch my mom calmly accept my dad’s death as a blessing, I am struck with intense anxiety.  Everything makes me anxious.  Driving especially.  The bitter cold always brings fear, but this year the fear has been paralyzing.  I have Raynaud’s, a condition where I lose blood flow to my fingers in the cold.  Getting stuck outside is not an option if I don’t want severe consequences.  Even in a heated car, my fingers turn dead white and numb.

My dad was my Go To Guy.  He knew it all.  He lived most of it.  I could ask him anything and he would have a workable answer.  Now I don’t have a Go To Guy.  My husband gets mad when I ask him questions so I try not to do that too much.  While he wouldn’t leave me stranded in a car, helping me diagnose the weird sound I hear when I break is not in his cup of tea.

Losing that protection, my baby blanket if you will, has upset my world.  Now my body shakes for no reason,  I cant think straight, I can’t sleep and my heart races when I even think about going somewhere, even to work.  I went to the grocery store and had a miserable experience.  Too much stimulation for me.

I want to hibernate and not wake up until the anxiety is gone.  Yes, I can take medication but I don’t want to start taking it regularly. That road leads to nowhere fast except tolerance and dependence.

I wrote a rather sad poem about the anxiety and failure HERE after I decided not to go try out a choir that I wanted to join.  Going by myself to an unfamiliar place right now is just too much for me.  Yet I hated myself as I sat in the car and realized that I just couldn’t put it in reverse to go.  Someday.  Maybe when it is lighter at night and I am not exhausted from fighting this demon.

I am NOT an evening person.  By 5 pm I am sick and tired of everything and I want to be left alone.  Living all day in pain and fatigue does that to a person.  My husband is the exact opposite.  He gets energized after 5 pm and goes strong until 2 am or so.  We live opposite lives.  Makes getting anything done rather hard.

In the end I know that this trial will force me to be more resilient, to rely on myself more now that dad is gone.  But, oh, how I would give anything to have him back again!  I miss you so much dad…..


10 comments on “Anxious Moments

  1. Oh Lori I bawled hysterically reading this. I can’t even see to type. If you read my post tonight you’ll know why.

  2. Oh Lori, I feel so bad that I can’t help you in some way and that my sympathy is useless to you. You’re right that you will become much more resilient and probably end up thinking in the way your Dad did to solve your problems. In the meantime that’s not much good to you is it? All you can really do is cushion yourself away from anything that will upset you for now, like going out in the evening, especially in bad weather.Talk to your friends ( including us) as much as possible, while trying to remain strong for your Mum.
    xxx I send Hugs Galore xxx

    • Thank you David. It is a process I know. I have resorted to antianxiety meds but it still breaks through. I hope for some distance and success to re-instill confidence in me. I know it will take time. My job is driving me crazy and I am struggling with it, which doesn’t help.

  3. well, i can see why you and your husband don’t mesh- about as compatible as Argentine tango and Duck Dynasty…Beluga Whales and a cricket match…spam and celery…nude Mongolian meadow wrestling and a catholic confessional…Donald Trump and a fine hair salon…

    PS I am “taking celery” for my comic relief…

    • Spam and celery is a match made in vomitville. Yet, for spamites, a match that has possibilities my friend, possibilities abound….. 🙂 Today Brent and I go together like a loofah on tender skin, LOL.

      • ouch. i’ll remember that when i look over at my unoccupied side of the bed- it could be worse.

        • LOL, I have too much of a sense of humor to be mad for long, and I got a box Alfredo dinner out of it. Not as nice as homemade chili, but I will take the offered olive branch and eat it with a smile on my face! 🙂 Was that chili your own made up recipe and was it as good as it looked?

          • yes, it is my recipe. i’ve been cooking since i was about 13- had to when i was a child. i once wrote a column called “Adventures in Poverty Cuisine.” My brother and i were going to write a book “101 Ramen Dinners,” but someone beat us to it!

            • Sorry you had to eat that unhealthy stuff so much when you were young. Ive never had ramen noodles in my life and don’t want to. The salt alone would puff me up into a staypuff marshmellow. Im salt sensitive, no added salt for me or it goes right to my feet. Consequence of getting old I guess. I turn 45 tomorrow. Sob…..

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