Hi, I’m Lori and I’ve been a hot mess.
It’s a hard reality to admit to myself, let alone write that little sentence on my blog. But I have been struggling since Summer, first with depression, then with an attack of OCD, then with an attack of irritable anger, then with an attack of severe anxiety. Oh, not on the outside. On the outside I am calm and self controlled. But on the inside I am a disaster. The titanic on feet.
That’s a LOT to deal with in 6 short months.
I don’t often talk about my bipolar and anxiety issues here. It has been such an emotional roller coaster that Im wondering if it will ever end. But I discovered something recently. While the anti-depressant helped with depression, it made me a zombie. While the OCD medication made my OCD issues better, I had a side effect I can’t discuss on my blog, LOL, although I would like to as it is a side effect that is hushed up by the psychiatric community at large. While the anti-anger medication took away that terrible irritation, I think the combination of the three led a side effect of anxiety. The problem with these meds are that they have loads of side effects, and when several are prescribed at once, the side effects can include drug interactions. Until the last few days, my anxiety was so bad I would panic at the thought of having to get into the car to drive anywhere. I dreaded any activity, even something as simple as mopping the floor. I’ve never had such terrible anxiety, I would shake so hard I felt like I had a fever. It was the shaking that clued me into a possible drug effect. I looked up the side effects and all of them had shaking, a need to move ( a constant need for me over the last several weeks) and anxiety as a side effect.
So I stopped them. All of them.
The shaking and anxiety has slowly worn away. I am not all better, but I am hugely better. I was ready to quit my job from it. I was on the edge of sanity because of it. The constant feeling like I had to move was making me batty. I think the take away message is that mental health medications are very helpful but one must remember that they affect the brain in ways that can cause more problems than help. For me, right now, they are doing more harm than good. Today was the first day I didn’t have to take anti-anxiety medication to get through the day. Such a relief to be medication free! I don’t know how long that will last, LOL, I seem to have something or other crop up when I least expect it, but I am reasonably calm, not irritable, not depressed, not hypomanic, not too anxious. I see my doctor tomorrow and I know he is not going to be happy about my decision to just knee jerk myself off of my meds. I have a tendency to run to get a pill when I start a problem then stop it as soon as it gets better. But I feel that, this time, I needed to take the bull by the horns and stop the madness.
And now, at least for a time, I feel like ME. And ME is a good place to BE. Freedom comes in many forms…..