When Trust Becomes Terror

One in three females are molested by the age of 18, so say the statistics.  I read so many of you who deal with the pain and terror and PTSD related to terrible events in your past.  You are survivors, and I admire your fortitude.

I am very fortunate. I have not had to endure the full terror of an event like this.  But I have had six men close to me attempt it.  Six people who were very close to me.  Two relatives, a brothers’ best friend, a boyfriends’ dad, a babysitter, a best friend.

In each situation I escaped.  When I was little, my favorite place was to run into the bathroom and lock the door shouting what a bad man they are through it…LOL.  Unfortunately, for a couple of encounters I had to wipe their slobber and my blood off of me, mentally flip them off and go on my merry way.  Unfortunately I had two persons who repeatedly attempted to abduct or molest me in college, and over time, mistrust leaves its’ mark.  Motives become suspect.  And I retreated into myself.  I used to wonder what I did to make myself a target.  And I do think there is a basic personality profile.

Quiet.  Keeps secrets.  Introverted. Stays in the background.  Gullible.

Some time later, I realized that some of these people were date rapists.  And groomed me to become a victim.  Just as pedophiles groom their families and victims.  Get them to trust you and then make the move.  “Save me” from someone else who meant to do me harm.  The evils of a mind bent on preying on another…..

I was all of these things when I was younger.  But when I realized that my hatred of exposure and my personality traits made me a target, I decided to change.  One of the reasons for my blog name of “Repressedexpressions” was to promote the discussion of uncomfortable topics.  Bring them into the light, expose them for what it is, deal with the consequences.

The hardest was dealing with a stalker in college in my senior year while I had “mono”, of all things, and was “on my own” as my long-term boyfriend was in England at Cambridge.  I was too ill to even really recognize it.  It was my roommates that sat me down and told me I had a problem.  I refused to believe that someone I who was my good friend was following me all over and making threats.  Of course I immediately shunned him, but I was too exhausted to make an issue of it.  He did try to grab me twice over the semester and again I was fortunate enough to escape.

In the end I have forgiven them all, and if I were to meet them again I would shake their hand and talk as it nothing ever happened.  But to trust them again?  Never.  And that is the mark that I carry, and will carry until I die. One must be ever vigilant, for we only have the opportunity to look at other people’s deeds, not their heart or mind.
I encourage each of you to protect your children by learning how stalkers and date rapists and pedophiles choose their victims.  And excellent blog, one of my favorites, is from Clara Hinton, a wife married to a man for 40 years who was convicted of molesting hundreds of children over his lifetime. Her blog, “Finding a Healing Place”  is a riveting look at a dynamic man able to pull the wool over the eyes of his family and congregation for decades.

While women are most often the focus of a topic like this, our boys and men are  vulnerable, and they have to deal with the added stigma of “male weakness”.  I sincerely doubt that the actual statistics are known for abuse to men, for the shame and weakness of victimization are contrary to all that is supposed to be “male”.  This should not be tolerated, and my hope is that someday abuse of any kind to any person is viewed with equal abhorrence and subject to the same penalties by law.



9 comments on “When Trust Becomes Terror

  1. The word is full of nasty people and weirdos but no way should a victim blame themselves for what happens. No-me has the right to inflict there things on another human being. I’m so glad you were strong enough to overcome these events Lori.
    xxx Massive Hugs xxx

  2. What a wonderful post, Lori, though I’m sorry you had to experience those very serious boundary violations. It’s a tribute to your strong sense of self that you got away from those dangerous situations…but at a price.

    As a multiple rape survivor, I don’t understand the above chart. But then again, I’ve never “fit in,” and my Aspie lack of understanding of people’s motives has been a handicap. Also, for some reason I always felt like nothing could happen to me, or maybe it was just denial or after a while it was ” just” dissociation.

    My wish for each and every one of us is that every and all of our relationship interactions be loving ones.

    • It is still shocking to me that so many people close to me were opportunists at heart, out for their own interests or sick fantasies. I think the actual statistics of persons who are abused are much higher than reported. The best thing I can do is raise that awareness and ensure my children are wise to potential dangers when alone with someone else.

  3. it truly is horrible that you have suffered through such hell- that is exactly the word for it since it all comes from a reflection of those who love such action. i do not condone such male aggressiveness…however, i would like to make a point. as moral standards have declined in the western world, such behavior- from male or female attackers- has increased in fact, i have personally been attacked violently by females, and not just from my ex wife. it is a very sad thing when some females are so messed up that they also succumb to this hellish behavior. Open any newspaper today that lists the daily police record and i am sure many will be shocked. i totally ignore any woman who is not gentle, not feminine, and tries to act like an aggressive man…unless God specifically tells me to talk with her. that kind of woman is such a major turn off i would rather clean a toilet with my tongue!

    • I think it has always been around, just now more acceptable to talk about. Both my parents were sexually abused by family members as children, although then you never discussed it. I was very fortunate in all my near experiences that I escaped.
      You are right, I think it is much easier now to talk about abuse from men than abuse from women, although I have heard from several persons who suffered at the hands of their wives, terrible shocking abuse, but hid it for years.
      Ok, toilets, LOL…YUCK!

  4. …I would rather clean a toilet with my tongue than even pay attention to her.

  5. This a powerful post, Lori!! Forgiveness is the answer. It is often the hardest thing to do!! It takes a strong woman to do what you did, my friend!! I hope you are doing well. I’ve missed you on here!

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